Insomnia

Sleepless nights
The moon beams loveless
An empty ache within
lost in a realm unseen

Softly it kills
Swiftly it finishes
Consistent and nightly
Sweet dreams diminishes

Clouds of shadows
hide the sparkle in my eyes
dilated pupils in the dark
silently eaten apart

At home yet haunted
with past after past
I often offered love rejected
I am worn out at last

Admired but unaccepted
Too much yet never enough
Wanted but unworthy of commitment
Embraced yet soon given up

No rest and no restlessness
breathing the numbing darkness
These are my consequences
my scars and secret wars

Sleepless beauty
damsel in distress
bound upon a tower
My heart and I
both longing for slumber,

Waiting For The Unsung

I have nothing to say tonight
I bite my lips
I shut it tight
If poetry is my gift
It is left unrecited
Only to let you know
I’ve made my mistakes
still, I waited
If only somehow I could say
I still waited

I can’t seem to find
the traces of your face
Who you are is a mystery
I wasn’t meant to chase
So, I’ve been saving you
love songs unsung
I left it unheard
Written only for the man
with the melody to my words
If only you could
feel me pray
feel me wait
I need your song

I was always told to choose you

I think I was once shattered
I can’t remember
There were dreams out of the ordinary
they lead me to believe
somehow you exist
I was healed
to be with you
So, our stories would intertwine
just so we would say
God, your gifts are sublime

I have only known love aborted
I keep bringing it to life
only to let it die
Not this time
Now, I hear it playing
From the distance of the unknown
From the heights of heaven
to the depths of our souls
listen to the sweeter song
a beauty yet to be sung
a love song yet to be heard
it’s waiting for us
it’s just a matter of time

Final Destination

I want to kiss life right on the lips, in all its fullness:

The two hour traffic to Manila everyday. The heartaches. The breakfast that is never on the table. The distance between my family and me. The closeness between my sister and me. The mid-term exams.

I am actually happy.

Ironically, the movie “final destination” was playing on my bus ride to school today. It’s morbid and horrific and about death but it never occurred to me as sad, untill today.

These kids mess up the order of death but they can’t quite escape it, because as we know, death is not meant to be escaped in this life. They do everything just to run away from death but they never think about the fact that their messing up the order of their life - their running away from life. What about just.. living.

I guess, it is true.. that the moments we are most alive in, are the moments we are most aware of death. No wonder the bible tells us to die to ourselves everyday, because only then are we trully alive

Lip-singing

Lip-singing. I move my lips to a voice not my own. Lip-syncing.  I synchronize my lips with a song not my own. One thing I realize.. that is exactly what God wants me to do. I am so insecure at times. But, He wants His voice heard in my mouth. It is not I. It is not about me. Never will be, never was, never is. Only His voice. Only His song.

I’m lip-singing Your song God, speak through me. It is Your message. Sing through me.

Sing through me..

hehe, am I blessed or what.

On Twilight

I watched Twilight with my friends last night. I hesitated to watch it because I could hear my old pastors voices yelling, “GUAARD YOOOUR MIIIIND!” Still, I watched it. Uhh, out of peer pressure.

I have to say, I do not regret.

It was unapologetically romantic. In the silver screen world alot of romance have become comedy, almost to the point of making a farce of it. Although, I do like romantic comedy. It was more than refreshing to see an alternative.

Haha, an alternative to human male species.. ahem, vampires. Haha, just kidding.

This movies has really drawn a fan club for itself. In an interview Robert Pattinson said it may have been because the story gave intimacy, people knew the characters so well, they feel a connection. Personally, I think, more for women than men.

The effect of the story on me, was that it awakened a longing. It reminded me of my need to love and be loved, without reserve. Which seemed to be the resounding theme of the movie; longing. The movie is addictive to people that way. He wants her blood but at the same time he wants to protect her. He loves her but his weaknesses limit him. She doesn’t care, she just loves him. It was the tension in that, which made it interesting. He was a vampire. He longed to have her, as a meal and for love. It’s a seductively dangerous position to be in. It was so desireable, to see this monster of a man, defeat his own strength, if only to be with her. And she was very brave.

That is the beauty and danger in its morals, I think. It awakens a longing, unmet.

See, what woman would not want to be pursued by a man willing to make a villain and a hero of himself, whatever it takes to protect her and know her. And yet, that conflict in itself, limits love.

And then, there is Jesus, who does not desire your blood. He does not desire to suck the life out of you. But to GIVE you His blood and His life. The contrary! See, as beautiful as this movie maybe, all it presents to us, is a definition of a dellima we already know fully well. Perhaps, that’s why we like it. The truth, however, of love in its fullness, is not portrayed in the movie. But in Jesus, a longing awakened can be satisfied in the delight of Him.

I feel so corny relating everything to Jesus. I guess, when you realize the value of having a second life. A movie is never just a movie. A word is never just a word. Everything brings about meaning. Something beautiful, something dangerous. Everything to rejoice in. Everything to learn from.

Zero Gravity: Church of God, Makati

A vision of romance on the part of men.

There is a bloody war of broken hearts slaying each other cold with lust, fear, self-centeredness and manipulation.

Knights in shining armors will rescue, not for love, but to conquer princesses and protect their ego.

With such cowardice in display, damsels in distress have lost their parts.

Meanwhile, the King rages in holy anger for the damage at hand..

And true warriors, valiant heroes, real princes capture the call of the Spirit, rising determined for victory in the battlefield..

I refuse to be rescued, until the day my real hero; a true warrior and valiant prince, comes for me.

I’ll play a Penelope like I always should have. It’s the last time I’m going to love and it’ll be the best, it will be with you.. when you finally come.

How my week went..

"So, I look for you, then I ignore you. I forget what I was trying to say in a conversation, but remember almost every story you’ve told. I embarrass myself needlessly, or even worse, attempt to embarrass you, only it doesn’t quite work out that way. I miss my stop on the way.. I trip on myself. I stop short of a step when I see you, because you have a way of lighting up a room when you walk into it. You have a way of making me smile even when I don’t want to. You remind me of coffee; comfortable to be with and yet something about you wakes me up inside.."

And then I think again, and some things are better left ignored. Blogs are so useful, haha. - Love letter for literature II, Hanna Palencia.

"Be lead by the Spirit"

This was written on my arms for two days this week. God, please write it on my heart. - Galatians 5:16 (I think..)

"At the very heart of worship, is obedience.."

"I’ve never been so inspired to die to myself, morbid as it may sound. I just want to discover the fullness of life in Christ."

Everywhere I went, it was the same message this week.
- my personal journal, hanna palencia.

"If you choose to, the person you love will always be beautiful.."

The most romantic thing I’ve heard in ages.
- Sir Sade, English Literature class.

"If what makes me different makes me beautiful, then my abnormalities are my charm.."

One of my recent contemplations.. 

Sulat

Halos manhid
sa pagbasag
Ano’ng silbi magmahal muli
Kung mali lang lagi
paulit ulit
Naiwan sa
silid ng pagiisa
At doon namulat ang mga mata

Sa bakas ng iyong pagkatao
Ako’y nanaginip
Harana at himig
Ka’y tamis sa panrinig
Ngunit ang muka mo’y walang guhit
Patawarin mo, sinta
sana mula nung umpisa inantay na kita

Bakit lumuluha sa sabik
sa taong hindi ko pa nakapiling
mga sulat na hindi malaman
kung kanino dapat nakapangalan
kakantahin nalang sa kalawakan
sana umabot sa’yong pandinig
Nadarama mo ba
mga halik na pinadala ko sa hangin
Pinagdarasal kita
Wag malungkot sa paglakbay magisa
Wag susuko sa mundo
kahit gano katagal pa ang pagtagpo
Magiintay ako

Parang baliw
Pagnaiisip kita giliw
Pero walang duda
Makikilala din kita
At sati’ng paghanda
Magsaya muna
Senyasan mo ko
sa yo’ng paglapit
aasa sa kilos ng Diyos
sa kanya tayo manalig

At pagnaring mo
ang sulat na ito
sabay tibok ng ‘yong puso
sana nasakin na
lahat ng iyong hinangad
kasi ngayon palang
inaantay na kita
para sayo lang
ang sulat na ito
Mahal kita
antayin mo rin ako

    Bare with me, this is going to be a corny, cheezy one. What can I
say? After God dealing with my infatuations, I realize he has something
so much greater instore for me than the illusions I’ve so faithfully
chased. A part of me is so tired of romance.. and it’s ugly side. But..
I realize, I am a romantic person, frustrated at that but still I’m the
type to give passion, devotion, fully to something or someone. The
craziest thing is.. this conviction, it is strange as it is real.. this
faith growing within that someone out there is waiting for me. That God
has a plan for my lovelife. That I was never created to be alone,
despite how many times I’ve felt so lonely. I break into tears
thinking.. there is nothing impossible with God. There is a good man
out there and God’s saving him for me, as He is teaching me to save
myself for this person. I’ve only seen a glimpse, but I wait on God’s
divine intervention in every area of my life, especially this one. And
I am not settling for less anymore.